A peek at my mind would help to clear your own
So I was talking to my family about the song Poison and Wine by the Civil Wars tonight
They couldn't seem to grasp how it could be seen from the point of view of a sibling relationship and so I felt that by breaking it down line by line with my interpretation of each line in relation to my relationship with my younger brother. Here goes
You only know what I want you to
(siblings esp. brothers don't like everyone knowing everything about them because it is such a vulnerable thing having someone know all the small details about your life.)
I know everything you don't want me to
(With my younger brother, we are practically like twins and though we try so hard to hide things from each other there is always some way that the other will know exactly what is going on)
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
(You always know exactly what to say in order to hurt one another but you also know the perfect words when they need to be said to help the other get through something)
You think your dreams are the same as mine
(You believe you know each other so well, but you still strive for independence apart from the other and though you like that you have someone to share everything in, you hate that you can't have a simple thought without them somehow sharing in it. Plus as an older sister I always have to be right)
Oh I don't love you but I always will Oh I don't love you but I always will Oh I don't love you but I always will I always will
(There are times when you hate your siblings but you could never stop loving them no matter what they did, I often think this during a fight)
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
(There is a deep vulnerability between siblings that can't be spoken only shown and it's during the most difficult times that siblings can understand each other the best.)
The less I give the more I get back
(Often in the heat of the moment silence can cause a greater rage. Words don't often have to be spoken for things to be understood and coming from the side that gives the most it can be easy to fly off the handle when you feel like they aren't caring)
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
There is nothing like the protective hug of a brother, yet they have the power to win any fight if it comes to hands-on)
I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you
(You are stuck with your siblings but really who would it be better to go through you whole life with?)
Oh I don't love you but I always will [x7] I always will [x5]
Never stop loving your siblings through thick and thin.
On a whole other note
So it is 13 days into November and as is the tradition in our country the Christmas panic has spread like wildfire, Christmas trees are springing up like never before and the spirit of Christmas is beginning to infect everyones minds. I was reflecting the years end and I realise now that this will be my first Christmas out of home, a rather frightening thought if I consider it. So I was in the mood of Christmas and I chose to spend a bit of time compiling a playlist of songs for Christmas, these songs make me think of the joys of Christmas; setting up the Christmas tree, opening stockings first thing in the morning, gathering around the tree to open presents, meals with extended family. All these things are what Christmas means to me, add prawns and crackers with paper crowns and bad jokes and it would be the perfect Christmas in my mind. Though as I was compiling this playlist I came across this song:
I started to reflect on the relevance of what Cindy Lou was singing in this song, something I am sure more people have stumbled on than me. I felt that this song spoke directly to me as I face my first year as an 'adult', Christmas starts to take on a whole new meaning and I don't know if I am ready for it. I feel that I really should go through and give you a line by line analysis of how this song relates to me but I know that is totally unnecessary as the message in the song is really quite clear but I can't understand how this song could be such an exact reflection on how I am feeling but that is how life goes isn't it?
So many thoughts yet so little space in my head, so I try to let them tumble out but they get jumbled through my mouth.
Hey guys so I've been thinking quite a bit lately, something I do try and do semi-regularly but I mean really just thinking things that I wouldn't post to Facebook but that I feel I should share with the world.
First thing or one thing that has popped into my head. This kid has been making music since I met him and as he captured my attention with his voice back then he still manages to captivate my ears with his soulful voice. He just posted a new video, that's why I'm thinking of him, his videos whilst being simple and personal have a quality that you can only see in new artists before they find fame. I highly recommend you check him out, really go now!
Thing number two or something... I have reached the last week of my Year 13 journey this year. I am unsure how to feel about this. I feel a little sad that I won't have the weekly routine of meeting up with my Red Stream on a Wednesday morning, listening to lectures about the Bible, God and the world, getting upto all kinds of shenanigans at all times and joining it all together on Thursday for a noisy funtime of chaos.
It has been a rollercoaster year and I believe it is just the beginning of the ride, I just need to make sure my harness is on correctly before it goes any further. I will certainly miss my friends, I am not terrible a metting together with people but it is not a skill I have mastered yet so I am worried that next year will be greatly lacking in Year 13 community gatherings. Taking a look at the times we had I will share a quick snapshot of each of the aspects of the shenanigans
First comes to mind is my absolutely beautiful Chaplaincy group - Fi-Dub Chaps which would later become Fi/Stace-Dub Chaps since Fi decided to go get pregnant with beautiful Darcy (Chap Chaps as we knew him before we met him) We often would come up with plans and ideas that were creative and clever but rarely would follow it through properly. There was always such a loving and caring shared with all and we never failed to finish each week with a prayer sharing which helped to bring us closer together as a small group.
The next people who come to my mind are my prayer triplet girls, we would meet each week and spend time talking about everything, nothing and life in general. We were thrown together at the beginning of the year and started ourselves off by sharing an intimate part of our lives with one another, it was intense but as the year progressed I think that having such a strong start meant that we were able to trust and stick close through things that went on. Things such as Lana and Simon getting engaged which we were so thrilled about and Mim&Tim embarking on the adventure of a new relationship
They are truly beautiful and precious to me and I wouldn't have chosen any other girls to pray with each week.
There are so many people that I have grown closer to and I couldn't even begin to show you how much the people I hadn't known before this year have impacted my life. Through times that were harder and times that brought so much joy we were bursting with it, the girls of the red stream have been there to laugh, cry, and dance with me and for this I am overflowing with gratefulness. I can't even begin to tell you about how wonderful each of them is since they are all dancing through my mind and each one of them has made a deep impact on my heart and soul in such an inspiring way.
To my darling red stream girls, I love you and I would just like you to know that no matter what gets in the way, whether it be time, space or money; nothing would make me love you less.
I would like to extend this out to the wonderful Red stream I have come to know as family. I will address the boys now for I need to give credit where it is due. I don't think I believed it possible for the world to possess such servant-hearted and Christlike young men, but I am pleased to say that I was wrong. I have been honoured to witness your growth in faith and confidence, been inspired by your courage and love for God, had my heart warmed by your attention to the needs of others, you are truly amazing models for what Jesus would have been like on earth (even with the cheeky sense of humour). A few young men have popped to mind as I think through this, you boys come to mind because you have shown kindness, love and support to me by offering advice, hugs and lots of laughs. I appreciate the moments that you sought me out because you were concerned and though I may have seemed like a hopeless case full of emotion, just having you making an effort, care for me and think of me has made my life better and shown me what it means to have brothers in Christ. You are all so dear to me and it is so lovely to know that I can talk to you whenever knowing you are always up for a chat and will never fail to bring a smile to my face.
I would like to end this long rant of mushy stuff with a thank you to my favourite couple (shhh don't tell Harry) haha but seriously what could I say of you guys that hasn't been running through my head a thousand times before tonight. You two have a crazy and exciting energy that fills my eyes with a dance. I honestly could not describe how grateful I am for you but I would like to try. You have been there to support me, advise me and rebuke me in love. Thanks for letting me be a part of your relationship as I watch you two grow, develop and fight over the silliest things. You are the craziest of kids and I wouldn't have it any other way, thanks for having my back! Love you 5ever!
Okay so maybe I am not finished yet... You see there are these two chickadees that I have to drive to and from college each week. Haha I think that without our trek to Year 13 each week there will definitely be something missing in my life. Our 40minute drive that we call a road trip, filled with praying, shouting, singing, laughing and a few tears but plenty of love. You girlies are super gorgeous like really! I can't wait to continue doing life with you as we start to explore God's plans for our lives and what he has in store for each of us. Also thank you to my darling lecturers, I'm especially looking at you Trin! So many times in my head I have been in awe of how awesome it is to know someone like you. Who else do you know that manages to get a bunch of 18 and 19 year old teenagers to call them Mama? You are seriously out of this world amazing and yes I can tell you this as many times as I possibly could but it will never be less true. Thanks for sitting there and listening to my whinging and crying, for making me laugh and creating a space of comfort when I didn't think I would find any in any place. I do love you Trin though I didn't believe it possible at first.
Last of all I could not get through this without saying the biggest thank you of all to God! You have brought me down this crazy journey, kept me strong through the weak moments and taught me how to laugh when everything is out of control, without you this year would have never happened and I don't think I have enough words to tell you how much you mean to me. All I can really say is thank you and thank you again. I can't wait to see what is coming in the future and I just cling to you as the wind whips by my face when life passes me by. I love you and again really thank you. You fill me up and I can not share this love enough.
Okay so I am going to stop ranting but if you want to see our Fiji trip told in an incredible song watch this
Or if you want a quick overview of the whole year including Fiji take a look at this, it is snapshot but good representation of how the year went along and how much fun we had (also don't know why it starts half way through but just take it back to the beginning
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
I am having one of those days. I feel and have thrown a temper tantrum and I don't even care. I am exhausted beyond belief but I am considering an all nighter in order to finish the tasks I have been neglecting. I am sad and filled with something I cannot identify since it is a feeling I have not decided what it means, I cannot even think about expressing them. I want to curl up in a ball and never unfurl but I need people to keep me going which means getting up. I have many responsibilities that I have neglected for longer than is healthy and without attending to them or growing in my understanding of importance in life I fear I will somehow fail the role of grown up. I am so very tired of continuing on but as I was reflecting on this I knew that stopping was impossible and even taking a pause meant that everything would unravel. My life is not amazing but it does work no matter what my perspective is.
Friday, August 30, 2013
I am in the strangest of moods and I'm sure I shall read back on this and question myself.
Sometimes I think that life is a butterfly and I can't seem to keep up, follow or makes sense of it's pattern and so I fumble along, making a mess as I walk with the fear that if I lose sight of my butterfly I will no longer know how to live, I also can see in my peripheral vision everyone else chasing, holding or walking beside their butterflies and I catch myself doubting the reason I chase with such randomness. If I could only make sense of it all, but really I know that when I stop my butterfly keeps going and even though it doesn't get far it gets far enough away that I worry I shall never catch up with it. I sometimes think that when I have reached this point I am able to see the butterfly clearly to understand what needs to be done and how to get there but after I have stood for a while and figured out the route I must take, I am able to catch up to the same place I was before, almost catching my butterfly and I realise that I have no clue what it really means to see the butterfly or follow it's seemingly random pattern. I have learnt to take each day as it comes, don't go too fast otherwise you will just find the butterfly above your head out of your reach and no amount of jumping will help. Don't go too slow otherwise the butterfly will start to fade, you will stare at it with such intensity and it will seem to be so unobtainable that you feel the world turn grey and then you will fade too. Just follow that butterfly at your own pace, watch it with wonder and awe, study it's beautiful wings, the way it will lead you along the randomest paths and don't forget to always, always love that butterfly.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
I know it has been awfully long since I have written anything but I really do have good reasons. So far this year I have moved out of home, got a car and a kitten, become almost independent except for having an extraordinary sister who assist with things I have not yet learnt to deal with. I have taken on study and work, left the country for the first time, did a month of mission in Fiji, came back and told everyone about it and now life is about to get even more hectic. My future is beginning to be planned and I feel that the end of this year is coming far too soon. The end of this year means things must yet again change and although I am not opposed to change, I don't think I have quite gotten settled from my last flurry and so to change things feels like I shan't be able to recover. I hadn't realised how much tension I had been building inside until tonight. I had been feeling somehow like something was happening so deep that I couldn't find it and I dug it up this evening and now I have had to face it, you see I have organised the rest of my year completely there are still the day to day details that need to be sorted out but I have made sure that for the next four months I know what I need to do and when, my plans are also long term goals before the end of the year I have planned to go to India, go on beach mission, graduate from my gap year program, go apartment hunting with two of my best friends and possibly embark on my first relationship. These are all big dreams and the size of them scares me entirely. I was thinking of the insanity that will be the last two months of the year and for some reason this song seemed to resonate how I was feeling, everything is happening so quickly and I know that I could blink and be in the year 2014 and I am clinging to 2013 with everything I have at the moment. So that is what is happening in my life at the moment, I can't really believe how much I have come through, the changes that have occurred and the person I have become because of it. It's incredible that I could never see myself in this place when being here feels so natural.
On the bus you can meet the most interesting people, you are given a small insight into an absolute strangers life just by hearing their conversation or observing the way that the interact with those around them. On the bus today there was a lovely elderly fellow who was singing to himself when we stood at the bus stop, he asked the bus driver if he went to rockdale plaza and the bus driver said he didn't go in but past on the highway, the bus driver very kindly said he would stop for the man and when he got on he said to me I presume "I'm a prriest I tell about God, I love Jesus the Christ." I don't know what type of accent it was but he spoke clear enough but with a very pronounced accent, another man got on when we stopped again and he said "everything is alright, everything is alright" the man mumbled something in reply bi when the next people got on he said "all is well, all is good the conversation went no further. At the next stop we made a couple got on and the man who had gotten on started to talk about the weather with the priest (< he was dressed in a blue striped shirt like my grandfather wears and shorts, sandals and socks and was carrying behind him one of those trolley cart things) they spoke briefly of the weather as it was a hot day and there was a storm to be expected, and then the priest said again "I am a prriest, I tell about God." Then it was his stop and he jumped out and stood on the corner waiting for the lights, smiling away at the buses occupants and then waving until he had to walk. There was something inspiring in the way he was so absolutely open about his faith and beliefs, he felt that everyone must know he was a priest and that meant he believed in God, I get frightened from talking with those I love about God but here he was on a busy trip with strangers thinking it so important that they at least knew what he was and why. I believe God makes everything happen for a reason and if all that man did that for was to inspire me to share more than I will simply have to get that sorted.
With love always
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Ok guys so I have to admit one little secret that I have kept for far too long...
I listen to lame music! Ok I know that wasn't really a surprise but I just have to tell you about my new found interest..... this IS what it looks like.... I mean sometimes I don't even understand what he is saying but I still have listened to it more times than I should have done. Well I thought it was bad that I found this song and listened to it until I found something worse but I love it more and so without further ado here we have Jaden and Willow Smith and even though I think they are cute for trying I don't really love the song in the way that I normally will love music but I have listened to this twice in one night... Oh the shame! Now, now before you call me a hater... I do not think that it is bad that Jaden or Willow have musical careers I just don't really appreciate the fact that these kids have more money and junk than more than half the world. Ok it isn't their fault I don't know maybe I am a hater but I like their music so how can I be a hater? Also I love the chorus of the song so much and Willow's dancing that I think you should hear it again Just watch This!You know you want to ;)
So its a brand new year and I have an aim. To Blog more!Yay!
I have a new car and am about to get two jobs working with beautiful families. I also am doing a Gap year studying Theology for a year and then midyear doing a short mission trip, I have moved houses and will be right next to my two best friends! Let's just say I think this year will be amazing!!!
I could be wrong and I do expect there to be hardships and pain but I know that no matter what I will be able to turn to God for strength, my family and friends for support and love, and the bible for guidance.
I will try and post every week but don't expect anything too often With love always
Taiya <3>
