I am in the strangest of moods and I'm sure I shall read back on this and question myself.

Sometimes I think that life is a butterfly and I can't seem to keep up, follow or makes sense of it's pattern and so I fumble along, making a mess as I walk with the fear that if I lose sight of my butterfly I will no longer know how to live, I also can see in my peripheral vision everyone else chasing, holding or walking beside their butterflies and I catch myself doubting the reason I chase with such randomness. If I could only make sense of it all, but really I know that when I stop my butterfly keeps going and even though it doesn't get far it gets far enough away that I worry I shall never catch up with it. I sometimes think that when I have reached this point I am able to see the butterfly clearly to understand what needs to be done and how to get there but after I have stood for a while and figured out the route I must take, I am able to catch up to the same place I was before, almost catching my butterfly and I realise that I have no clue what it really means to see the butterfly or follow it's seemingly random pattern. I have learnt to take each day as it comes, don't go too fast otherwise you will just find the butterfly above your head out of your reach and no amount of jumping will help. Don't go too slow otherwise the butterfly will start to fade, you will stare at it with such intensity and it will seem to be so unobtainable that you feel the world turn grey and then you will fade too. Just follow that butterfly at your own pace, watch it with wonder and awe, study it's beautiful wings, the way it will lead you along the randomest paths and don't forget to always, always love that butterfly. 

I know it has been awfully long since I have written anything but I really do have good reasons. So far this year I have moved out of home, got a car and a kitten, become almost independent except for having an extraordinary sister who assist with things I have not yet learnt to deal with. I have taken on study and work, left the country for the first time, did a month of mission in Fiji, came back and told everyone about it and now life is about to get even more hectic. My future is beginning to be planned and I feel that the end of this year is coming far too soon. The end of this year means things must yet again change and although I am not opposed to change, I don't think I have quite gotten settled from my last flurry and so to change things feels like I shan't be able to recover. I hadn't realised how much tension I had been building inside until tonight. I had been feeling somehow like something was happening so deep that I couldn't find it and I dug it up this evening and now I have had to face it, you see I have organised the rest of my year completely there are still the day to day details that need to be sorted out but I have made sure that for the next four months I know what I need to do and when, my plans are also long term goals before the end of the year I have planned to go to India, go on beach mission, graduate from my gap year program, go apartment hunting with two of my best friends and possibly embark on my first relationship. These are all big dreams and the size of them scares me entirely. I was thinking of the insanity that will be the last two months of the year and for some reason this song seemed to resonate how I was feeling, everything is happening so quickly and I know that I could blink and be in the year 2014 and I am clinging to 2013 with everything I have at the moment. So that is what is happening in my life at the moment, I can't really believe how much I have come through, the changes that have occurred and the person I have become because of it. It's incredible that I could never see myself in this place when being here feels so natural.